5 Weeks: late night thoughts of a newbie mama

It's around 2AM. Another long night has begun. I've just fed my baby, changed her diaper, and successfully put her to sleep in my K'tan baby carrier. My husband took the night shift last night because I wasn't feeling so well. And now, he's completely knocked out - looks like I'm on my own for a while! I'm rocking side to side in my chair to keep my baby sleeping for the time being. She'll be up again soon. She's going through yet another growth spurt/cluster feeding, which consists of short and frequent nursing and fussiness - very labor intensive!

I see why this stage of parenthood is often described as dreadful. I've heard so many horror stories about this period - about the sleeplessness, the crying, the never-ending feedings, the diapers... It's a completely new territory for first timers like myself. There's a learning curve. But you get better with practice, and things get easier - hopefully anyway.

Some parents say it only gets harder as you go because babies get bigger and more complex. And oh the dreadful teenage years! Everybody who's been there loves to warn you about the teenage years.

I believe it. It will only get more complicated. And right now - with this newborn who's so tiny and completely dependent on me - will be the easiest thing in hindsight, so I should enjoy it while it lasts. I agree, and I am. That's how life seems to go. Whatever I have right now will not ever be back, or be the same. I have to absorb it now, or it's gone forever.

I knew early on a baby changes everything. Duh. But I mean, it really changes EVERYthing. And I used to be one of those young people who's scared of the changes. I was never eager to start a family. I only vaguely knew I eventually wanted children. But for a long time, I feared the commitment. Wouldn't it take away my independence? My freedom? My precious solitude? What about my youthful body? Wouldn't a baby ruin everything?

Having just had my first baby after being married for almost nine years, I've gotten a lot of questions and comments from various places about this topic of babies and parenthood. It was annoying as heck, and I still think it's really none of anyone's business. And I personally think all these fears are valid and should not be ignored. I took my time, and I'm glad I did.

I marvel at this tiny, beautiful creature on a daily, or more like.. hourly basis. There's a constant, overwhelming sense of love. Yes, I'm exhausted. And I realize my days of being spontaneous are pretty much over. But surprisingly, I am not bothered by it. I am quite at peace with all of it. Life flows, and I'm moving along with it. It feels right. Things are changing as usual, and I am still me - fortunately, a version with enough perspective to not dwell on the past or the future, able to take in the good stuff. And this, right now, is good stuff.

Week 4: Sleep No More

I've wanted to write about my experience on a daily basis, but it's been virtually impossible to sit in front of my computer for more than a few minutes at a time. Someone said newborns sleep a lot, so you should go out often in the first few months.... Well, apparently not my baby... She sleeps frequently, but not in any kind of long stretches. She's always eating tho, meaning she's always ON me, which makes it hard to type. This girl's very vocal about her wants/needs - she screams and/or starts crying (such a loud voice from such a little person!) if we don't respond promptly. My girl knows what she wants! I've been nonstop nursing, taking very short naps in between - no "real sleep" whatsoever. And I'm typing with one hand right now in a very awkward position with my hungry baby girl glued to my chest.

I was told newborns need time to establish a pattern and should be fed "on demand," which I have been doing. I was also told newborns usually feed every 2-4 hours (start of feeding to the next start is how you time this gap). For us, it's been mostly every hour, two if lucky. This in reality means I have about 10-30 minutes in between feedings, during which she always needs a diaper change. Fortunately, Dave is on fulltime diaper duty, so I actually get that 10-30 minute break. But still... That's not a very long time. After a few weeks of doing this, I thought maybe something is wrong. Fortunately (unfortunately in some ways...), when I asked our pediatrician the other day, she said some babies just do that. It could be gas discomfort, preventing her from eating more at a time, but nothing serious if she's pooping and peeing fine, which she is. I also asked about our baby's grunting, which she does whenever she tries to poo or pass gas. Apparently, she's just in the process of learning to do these things efficiently. Newborns are so underdeveloped and helpless. Pooping is such hard work for her!

Some mornings, I feel demoralized in my sleepless delirium. But I've been able to snap out of it after a nap, during which my husband feeds our girl with my pumped milk in a bottle. And every time I wake up - however short, I'm so happy to see my husband and my baby. She is just so damn cute. BTW, I'm now typing with two hands. I tried on my new K'tan wrap for the first time, and I think my baby likes it! And my hands are free!

Time is already going by really fast. My baby is more than 3 weeks old and 2+lbs heavier than when she was born. Her cheeks are getting chubbier every day. However cranky I get at times these days from not sleeping much - sorry husband - I am enjoying this sometimes dreadful initiation into parenthood. I say we're doing pretty well as newbie parents so far, even if every grunt, every small noise from my baby freaks me out, which I'm told is unnecessary. I will learn tho. Newborns make weird noises. I get it. But I can't help it yet that I respond to every little thing to make sure she's okay. Motherhood is definitely not easy, but it's more than worth all my time and effort, as every parent before me has told me. So I happily say (while I'm feeling relatively sane after a nap) goodbye to sleep - for a while anyway. See you later. It was nice knowing you.

40 Weeks: So In LOVE

I have skipped my Week 39 entry because THAT was a CRAZY day: MY BABY ARRIVED!! They say most people go into labor between 39 & 41 weeks. I had an inkling I'd be going into labor before my due date, which was today, but I was in denial even when I started noticing what felt like menstrual cramps - my labor had begun. My sister was coming in two days to be here with me for the delivery, and I wanted this baby to wait!

They also say water doesn't break the way they do in the movies when a woman goes into labor; only 10-15% women experience it this way. And even when the water breaks, it may take a little while for labor to begin. But what happened to me was just like in the movies. My water broke at 5am, and my contractions began to progress quickly.

I was surprisingly calm through the whole process, mostly excited, but also disappointed that my family wasn't here yet. It was just the two of us. But that was okay. I was ready, and so was my husband. We felt prepared.

My labor and delivery mostly went smoothly and as I had hoped, with the exception of the last two hours, when things got potentially dangerous. I'm sure I'll write about it soon, but it got pretty intense. I was in what I could only call some kind of trance with pain and exhaustion. My husband was a mess, and my midwife and her assistants were calling our backup doctor. I was in and out of consciousness as I heard bits and pieces of their discussion. I couldn't help but to feel defeated. But perhaps it was this specific little push-comes-to-shove moment that gave me enough strength to finally finish the job. My beautiful and perfectly healthy baby girl came out as the doctor arrived at the hospital parking lot. Even the NICU staff that came in for newborn emergency care left as soon as they saw the baby because she was perfectly fine. Her Apgar Score was 9.9/10!

It was definitely one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. And my body is definitely feeling it. But oh the love... All the love! And the joy of seeing this beautiful and perfect creature that looks like my husband and myself... This little miracle makes everything worthwhile. I'm puffy like I've never seen, and I'm sore everywhere from all the laboring and pushing. But I might seriously be the happiest I've ever been in my life. I haven't slept in a week, but it's been getting easier every day, and I'm getting the hang of it, especially as my body recovers. And I'm lucky to have my sister's family here to help for a couple of weeks, along with a husband whose nurturing side has been nothing short of amazing.

PHOTO at 40 weeks of my newborn baby girl's feet:
Newborns go through some traumatic pricking at the hospital. For my little girl, she had to get pricked extra few times to monitor her glucose level because of my Gestational Diabetes. And she also had some jaundice, which required several blood tests. My poor baby... But everything is fine now, and she's one beautiful, healthy newborn!

32 Weeks: Baby Positioning

In the past week, I've met two adorable newborns and talked to several new moms about their birthing experiences. I've begun reading a lot about labor and delivery, and my husband and I have our first childbirth class this coming weekend. We're focusing on getting ready for the baby, and things are progressing slowly but surely.

At 30 weeks, I was told my baby is breech, which isn't a problem until later in pregnancy, close to labor. The baby is supposed to face my back with her head down by the time she comes out. When the baby is positioned incorrectly, whether it's by being sideways (transverse), upside down (breech), facing forward (posterior), or many other 'incorrect' positions, complications can occur. A surprisingly high number of my friends have experienced complications due to this specific problem, all leading to induction with Pitocin and some ending up with C-sections. From what I've seen, most doctors don't really talk about this and just schedule an elective C-section if the baby is breech by say... week 35 and on. And it's the last thing I want to do. So I've been spending a lot of time on spinningbabies.com, learning about what I can do naturally to help with the process.

It's really hard for me to tell how my baby's positioned. I can't distinguish between kicks and punches. I feel her limbs on my lower abdomen as well as right under my ribs. I also feel really big movements sometimes, where I think she's flipping over. Some women say to pay attention to the hiccups - that's where her head is.

I've been too 'busy' being sick during this pregnancy that I haven't really thought about the kind of birth I wanted. Now that I'm actively learning about it, I really want to experience a natural birth without any intervention if possible. In order to do so, I must prepare myself physically and mentally, also staying open to the possibility that things won't go the way I want. I didn't realize I would care this much about the birthing experience. But that's all I think about these days.

PHOTO at 32 weeks: 
Moving around is becoming more difficult by the day in this growing body. I am so much heavier now, and I can feel the weight every time I have to get out of my bed or off a chair. Once I'm up, it's easier. But it's a challenge to change positions, even when I'm lying down and trying to turn to the other side in bed.

23 weeks: hurricane Sandy & getting huge

HURRICANE SANDY, LIFE, AND BABIES:

My husband and I escaped hurricane Sandy before it hit our neighborhood. Our building is apparently still without power, tho the flooding in the first couple of levels has subsided. Talking to family and friends back in NYC area about what they're going through, I can't believe how close to home this disaster hit. There were no fatalities in my circle, but I know many are dealing with devastating situations. (Here's a link with info on how you can help.) And being mostly a mess these days anyway, I can't imagine how I would have handled the stress if I were home. I know there are some damages I'll have to deal with when I get back, but I can't describe how grateful I am for being where I am, warm and with power, surrounded by people I love...

Life is so precarious and fragile that I used to ponder extensively about what it means to bring another life into this world. I've always wanted to be a mother, but I was also aware of the weight of responsibilities that comes with starting a family, including the overwhelming need to protect and the inevitability of reality.

When I was going through the worst of the 'morning sickness' in bed for three months straight, I couldn't fathom the idea of going through this again. But perhaps because of my current, better physical condition, or maybe the hurricane, I am beginning to think about a second child again. Mostly, I want this baby girl to have someone in her generation to call family. Cousins are great - I've grown up with a bunch. But a sibling is irreplaceable. I'm sure everyone's different, but I know I feel a kind of security I can't quite explain just from having the two siblings I have. Going through some deaths plus serious illnesses in the family recently, I've come to appreciate my siblings on another level. I want this baby to have that when she's older. I won't be around forever, and I don't want her to be alone.

But of course... I should focus on getting through this pregnancy first.

GETTING HUGE:

On a lighter note, I'm getting huge. I thought I had my growth spurt two weeks ago, but that was only the beginning... I know there's a lot more to go, but I'm already starting to feel enormous. I can't slouch the way I used to (maybe it's a good thing) - my big round belly is in the way. The extra weight is starting to affect my mobility, and I can't stay in one position for a long time. My extremities get swollen if I'm not careful. I find myself massaging my hands and feet a lot. 

Looking back at pictures from previous weeks, I realize how small I was. This process is just going to repeat itself until the baby comes, I'm sure. The fact that my body has the capacity to grow in the way it's growing is fascinating in itself, and to think that there's another alien life in there seems crazy. All these things I took for granted are now somehow endlessly miraculous and awe-inspiring. 

PHOTO: 

This is me at 23 weeks, earlier today. I had to lift the shirt to show the 'real belly,' but it still doesn't really capture how huge I feel. I think I'm carrying her pretty low, which I think is apparent in the photo. But I'm noticing my upper stomach area is starting to 'pop' as well.