27 weeks: jet lagged, anxious, but happy

JET LAG:

I've been feeling like a zombie since I got back home last week. The 13-hour difference has been brutal. My attempt to adjust to the new time zone by eating at 'right' meal times was not matching up with my sleep schedule, messing me up in pretty much every way. Obviously, being pregnant doesn't help... And I don't know what made me think eating Indian was a good idea, three days into readjusting, especially after not touching it since I got pregnant. I regretted immediately as I spent a good chunk of time and energy in the bathroom, hugging the toilet. It was... a violent night.

EARLY MORNINGS:
The thing about being jet lagged is that I get up really early in the mornings. In the beginning, it was at 2am, but now it's trickled down to almost 6am, which is a pretty normal time to get up for a lot of people. I've always been more of a night owl, but I do really love being up early in the mornings, when things are quiet, and air feels crisp. After waking up at 3am, I was able to put in another couple hours before I was up at 5:30 this morning, thinking about carrot juice. When my husband woke up soon after, we made an early morning trip to the grocery store to get some carrots. The fresh squeezed carrot juice made by my husband with our new juicer was heavenly, except I realize it may be too sugary to gulp down on an empty stomach. Next time, I'm having it with my breakfast. Oh, and I also came back with these: chocolate cravings, anyone?

HIGHS & LOWS:

Being pregnant for me has been such a crazy experience so far, where I feel the worst and the best of all emotions. The worst comes from the bodily discomforts and pain, and the best comes from this amazingly joyful anticipation. The sensation of this baby girl's movements and growth is the most exciting thing I've ever felt in my daily existence but also the reason for my physical misery. It's conflicting sometimes, but they seem to balance each other out in the end. I'm not actually so much cranky as I am groggy. I started sleeping at nights since two nights ago, so maybe I'll be more clearheaded by this weekend. I'd better be because I'm traveling again in less than a week.

ANXIETY DREAMS:

Speaking of sleeping, my anxiety seems to manifest itself in my dreams these days. I'm always fighting some kind of a battle, sometimes as a swords(wo)man, and sometimes as a superhero. In a way, it's great because it always plays out in this grand, cinematic background, and I'm awesome. But of course, I'm also always trying to protect either my baby or my pregnant belly, which is not so fun. I think part of the anxiety comes from the fact that I feel like I've let go of my independence for the time being. Because I've been so sick on and off throughout this pregnancy, my husband has taken over a lot of what I do, which is necessary and great. But what happens when circumstances change, and he no longer does everything for me? Gasp. I have to keep reminding myself that certain symptoms will go away once the baby is out, and I will be back to being myself again. It's just hard to imagine because I've been in this constant state of something different for half a year now.  

PHOTO AT 27 WEEKS: 
I stopped being surprised at the size of my belly. I kind of love how big it's getting. My sister says I'm still 'tiny.' I'm sure I'm not actually 'tiny,' and I also know I'm going to grow a lot more in the next few months. And the bigger I get, I realize my belly looks different, depending on the time of day, as you can see in the photo. This morning, she was sitting really low. It's fun to think about where she is and what she's doing. Sometimes, I imagine she's taking a swim; I feel her little hands and feet poking as she tries to maneuver in the little space she has. And when I rub my Earth Mama Oil over my belly after showers, I feel a weird sense of pride. Despite feeling fat and clumsy at times, I am starting to love my pregnant body.

26 weeks: growing and growing and growing...

My 2nd trimester is coming to an end soon, and it shows. Whatever discomfort I thought I was feeling in terms of the belly growth has doubled in the past week. I'm moisturizing diligently, but the stretching skin is itchy, and I feel sore around my sides.

I'm mostly exhausted, but it could also be that I was on a 14 hour flight two days ago, and I'm very much jet lagged. For the past few days, I've been sleeping and eating at weird hours, feeling groggy all the time. My husband and I spent most of our Thanksgiving day napping on the couch. But we did get to eat our Thanksgiving feast, complete with pies and ice cream. I had leftovers, including dessert, for breakfast this morning at 6:30.

The flight itself was not too bad. I was feeling pretty awful in the morning of the flight, but I was able to get over it with a little vomiting and a short nap - so gross... I can't believe I haven't stopped throwing up. Of course, it's not the same as what it was in the beginning of the pregnancy, when the act wasn't helpful in any capacity and was just another part of the long, torturous, never-ending state of being. At least now, it brings me some relief. It's also no longer a guaranteed daily occurrence.

Now that we're back home, we really need to clear out the place and get ready for the baby. With a growing body that makes me feel like an oaf, cleaning/reorganizing the house feels overwhelming. I've always been a very physical person, moving furniture pieces around like it's nothing when I felt like it for example. But now, everything is different. My husband has been great in taking over everything, but I do get frustrated sometimes that I can't just get up and do the things I used to.

Another thing to consider is taking a birthing class. But I have another travel coming up soon. Sometimes, I wonder why I think I can handle all these plans. I don't think this jet lag is helping. All I want to do is sleep. Maybe it's time for another nap...

PHOTOS: 26 weeks & 1 day, with my pregnancy body pillow in the background - again, a life saver.

25 weeks: fat or bloated?

I've been away from home for a few weeks now, and things have been busy. After two weeks of concentrated activity, I've spent this week trying to recover. I'm still feeling pretty lousy, which I'm trying to get over. This trip is coming to an end very soon, and there is another long plane ride ahead of me...

In the midst of all the madness, I kept forgetting to weigh myself. According to my record, 19 weeks and 4 days was the last time, which is more than a month ago. Then this week, I finally remembered. Knowing my baby has grown quite a bit in the past few weeks, I was simultaneously excited and scared to step on the scale. I kind of wanted to see a shockingly high number. But of course, that wouldn't actually be a good thing. After getting over that momentary stupidity, I found myself being reflective in front of the scale, asking questions like... Have I been taking care of myself well enough? Am I eating enough or too much? Do I need to exercise more?

Then I was finally standing on the scale. Immediately, I was puzzled. It was nothing like I expected. According to these numbers, I had lost weight since week 19. It didn't make any sense because I clearly do not look any thinner, and I've been eating way more than before. Also, the rate at which my belly has been growing cannot possibly spell weight loss. Suspicious, I reset the scale and went back on. As expected, it was a fluke - just a calibration issue. I think this may be the first time I was alarmed about a low number on a scale. Fortunately, I've been gaining the 'right amount' (0.5-1lb/week since 2nd trimester).

The thing is tho, I've been feeling really fat. Or maybe the more accurate description is 'bloated.' It doesn't help that I've been eating a lot of salty foods lately, tho my father thinks I did actually gain some fat - thanks dad! Of course, I'm obviously carrying around more weight than usual, and I guess dad could be right too. I do seem to get hungry all the time, if not sick. I have 15 more weeks to get bigger, but I already feel so heavy. My butt hurts when I sit. I need to start doing some squats or something. Or perhaps I'll feel well enough soon to finally go to a prenatal yoga class!

PHOTO: My upper belly is starting come out a lot more. The baby seems to have come up higher. I feel her movements above my belly button now. And I'm starting to sit funny.

24 weeks (& 3 days): baby & me

I had a rough week. Just as I thought I was starting to feel my '2nd trimester bliss,' I began vomiting again at nights. But I think it's because I overextended myself. I was suddenly working longer hours and meeting people in the evenings, staying out all day and coming home late. My legs and feet would puff up more than I've ever experienced before - tho not enough to buy new shoes. I'd fall asleep in that uncomfortable, nauseated state, remembering all the awful things I felt in my earlier months of pregnancy.

Realizing I'm probably doing this to myself, I made it a point to clear my schedule for this weekend to rest, postponing a highly anticipated family dinner. I was determined to sleep in this morning.

My baby had other ideas. At 5:30am, I woke up to a strong kick in my stomach. I didn't mind because I find her movements adorable, and I had to go to the lady's room anyway. When walking back to bed from the bathroom, I felt a hunger pang. But being so exhausted, I thought it'd be better to sleep through it. So I got back in bed and lied down on my left side as recommended, wrapping myself with the cozy pregnancy pillow my sister sent over as soon as she knew I was pregnant (it's a must-have!), then tucking myself in under my mom's soft and fuzzy purple blanket. Warm and comfortable, I was ready for some serious resting, and sweet slumber was falling on me when I felt another kick that abruptly brought me back to reality. And she wouldn't stop. Her kicks were strong and frequent enough to keep me in that half-awake-and-not-quite-asleep state for two hours straight! In my sleepy delirium, I was excited because it was the first time I felt her move so much for such an extended period of time. It felt like she was dancing around in my belly. How cute is that? But by 7:30, I began to feel too famished to stay still. I finally got myself up to grab some food.

In hindsight, I wonder if the baby was 'dancing' because she was hungry. I've read if the mother feels hunger, so does the baby. I've also heard other women talk about their hungry, kicking babies. To further support this theory, my girl's kicks stopped as soon as I scarfed down some bread and milk.

I had a moment of feeling like a terrible mother, but I also felt an overwhelming sense of joy from the idea of communicating with her. The bigger I get, and the stronger she kicks and punches, I feel like we're getting to know each other better. I find myself cradling my belly a lot these days, especially when I sleep. I used to think it's funny when my husband rubs my stomach and talks to our baby, but I've started doing it myself. Sometimes, her pushes feel like responses to what we say to her.

She's such an active little one. I wonder what she's going to be like.

PHOTO: According to babycenter.com, my uterus is about the size of a soccer ball by now.

20 weeks (and 1 day): reflection

After two days of feeling optimistic about my progress, I've been having my 'rough days' again for the past few days. A 'rough day' consists of many types of discomfort, including but not limited to indigestion, nausea, vomiting, headaches, shortness of breath, fatigue, and body aches. These recent 'rough days' are fortunately much better than my 1st trimester. And still, I am bound at home, in bed, not being able to do much. But I get to write, which is a big deal. Everything seems very relative these days, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

FIRST TRIMESTER:

There are no words to accurately describe this wonderful (bc there's a baby!) yet utterly terrible experience of that 1st trimester of mine. Honestly, I felt like I was going to die every moment of every day, and nausea and vomiting wasn't the worst of it. I've been sick with stomach flu, food poisoning, been hospitalized for numerous things that included surgeries. I've also spent 8 hours in throbbing pain without any drugs right after an oral surgery to remove two wisdom teeth (it's a funny story...), but this extended period of 'sickness' may be the worst of my experiences thus far. I suspect it's because there was no moment of relief - not even one, and  it was for an extended period of time. For months, I had no room to think or feel anything other than the pure misery that had taken over my whole body. I needed 24/7 constant care of being fed every 1-3 hrs, in bed but not being able to do anything but stare at the wall because anything and everything made me dizzy-watching TV or reading a book wasn't an option. Completely bedridden, with the exception of using the bathroom, I was constantly sobbing, trying to remember that it is only temporary. Saying I had no appetite is an understatement because everything was disgusting. But 'eating and throwing up is better than not eating at all' became my mantra, and I acted accordingly after almost ending up in the ER with dehydration. It was the first time in my life, including all the other times I've been sick, that I hated the sight/smell of food as much as I did during this period. But thanks to my husband who ran around all over the city to find what I could stomach at the given moment, I was able to eat SOMEthing every hour or two, albeit only a bite or two most of the time. My weight stopped declining, and I was able to keep it steady for the rest of the trimester.

I once read some woman's comment on someone's blog about pregnancy, saying something to the effect of 'pregnancy is like a death sentence to some women because it's NOT a pleasant experience.' I remember wondering how bad it could be. Now... I get it. It's a difficult thing to express or talk about because pregnancy is a privilege in so many ways, and the 'sickness' is not 'real,' meaning it is usually not life threatening - tho for some women, it is. Fortunately, it wasn't for me, and I got through the worst of it.

SECOND TRIMESTER:

When week 12 passed, I was anxious to start feeling some relief, which never came. Even at 20 weeks, there is no real sense of 'relief.' The improvement has been a very gradual one, with some ups and violent downs that would put me right back in bed. Still at 20 weeks, the nausea and vomiting have not subsided as much as expected, but my body is at a better place nonetheless, where I can function like a normal human being for hours at a time on a good day. I am definitely not experiencing what they call the '2nd trimester bliss,' but I'm grateful to be where I am. I can eat. I can go out to sometimes. But it's still hard to make any plans in advance because every day is a new, unpredictable challenge.

THE BABY:

We confirmed at the doctor's appointment earlier this week that it's a girl! And she's an active one. She kept moving during the sonogram that it took more than an hour to get that one picture of her profile. Despite all my symptoms, the baby is doing well. Everything is 'on target.' I began to feel her movement about a week or two ago, and the new sensation is a kind of comfort I never expected. I feel privileged to be experiencing this pregnancy, despite all the misery that comes with it.

WEIGHT GAIN:

The belly is expanding quickly. In the past few days, I've been experiencing occasional shortness of breath, especially after eating, and some stretching sensation surrounding my growing belly. I've been eating more with an increased appetite, but I'm also noticing I can't eat a 'normal' meal at once because it gives me an enormous amount of discomfort. I need to go back to eating the way I did, eating little very often. The weight gain isn't stressing me out as much as I thought it might, but I think it's because I'm busy feeling sick so often. My weight gain so far is a bit under average, but it's only expected because I didn't gain any during the 1st trimester, and everyone gains at different rates anyway. My doctor isn't worried, and I'm not either. My goal is to stay below 30lbs total. We'll see how that goes. 

EXERCISE:
I always envisioned myself, going to prenatal yoga and being active, being one of those glowing pregnant women who say, 'I feel great!' Unfortunately, I am nothing close to those women. My effort to be active doesn't go any further than walking around in the city when I feel up to it (it only happened once so far...), and following my husband to the grocery store when I can handle it. I stretch in bed and try to move around as much as I can. But I know I'm not ready yet for a yoga class. I'm still hopeful, however.

TRAVEL:

I've been meaning to travel since summer. I was hoping to feel well enough for it by now, but it's still a questionable plan. My desire to be active coupled with the inability to do so makes for a daily dose of disappointment. However, I've come to terms with it - at least more than before. As long as this baby girls is healthy and happily growing, and I get to feel her movements, I am grateful. I long to see my family, but as my father gently reminded me over the phone the other day, now my priority is my baby...

TODAY:

I woke up with a craving for a nutella crepe, but I opted for a more nutritious breakfast. With my inability to move much, I really have to watch what I eat, not only to keep myself from gaining too much weight but more to keep the baby healthy and growing. I haven't been taking my prenatal vitamins consistently because it makes me sick and/or vomit - I've tried at least five different brands... As much as it worries me that I'm not taking vitamins, I think it keeps me extra alert about my food choices. I do eat my dessert when I want it and think can handle it (it's only happened about 3 times so far), but I also eat all my dark leafy vegetables, lean meats (sometimes not so lean...), fresh and dried fruits, nuts, and eggs. I don't keep track of everything, but I pay attention to protein, iron, and folate. And so far, everything seems to be going well. 

PHOTO: my growing belly at 20 weeks