6 weeks: Firsts

As first time parents, everything is new. We've had some of our important firsts in the past week.

OUTING:
This week was full of activities. We had our baby's one month Dr's appt as well as my 6 weeks checkup. Both Dr's offices are quite a drive from where we live, so it was a mini family road trip. Dave and I are getting better at packing our diaper bag and predicting her schedule - every trip feels less daunting. We also had our first family walk in the neighborhood today, which was just a short walk to pick up some coffee (decaf for me) from a few blocks away, but it felt like SUCH a big deal. I wore my baby in the K'tan carrier and topped it off with my maternity parka to protect her from the wind. She's gained more than 4lbs since birth, so she felt pretty hefty, but it felt so good to walk outside. In a weird way, I felt like my old self again.

FIRST BATH:

I was super cautious about bathing her. Of course, the first concern was the umbilical cord. But even when the cord stub came off, I didn't feel ready. Her skin seemed too delicate, and I was afraid she'd get cold. I watched videos on bathing babies over and over, trying to get comfortable with the idea. And in the meantime, I just wiped her off with warm, wet wash cloths. In preparation,  I ordered a thermometer rubber ducky (a must have!), which put me at ease about water temperature. We ended up washing her over the kitchen sink in a small plastic basin, using way too many towels because I kept drying her off just in case she's cold being wet. Our little girl looked confused, but she didn't fuss or cry through the whole process, which makes me think she might be one of those bath-loving babies like my niece, who refuses to get out of the tub sometimes. I feel like we crossed a big hurdle. 

SLEEPING:
I think I noticed for the first time this week that she seems more tired at nights. She still gets up very frequently, but it went from every hour to sleeping almost 2-2.5 hours straight (tho only once a night)! I really should take advantage of the opportunity to sleep, but I can't get myself to do it. Everything feels too delicate, like I have to watch her every second. If my husband is not up with her, I don't feel comfortable sleeping. Even if I lie down and close my eyes, even if I doze off for a minute or two, I'm right back up as soon as I hear her move or make a sound. I know I am being the waaaaay-paranoid-new-mom, but I can't seem to snap out of it. Perhaps it'll get better once she hits that 2-month or 3-month mark, where doctors say things are "safer." 

FEARS:

Being a first time mom, I feel paranoid about everything. My husband seems more lax about the whole situation, which is sometimes annoying but mostly helpful. I'm hoping my paranoia and fears will subside as my baby gets older and stronger. I'll get used to things, I'm sure.

I really need to chill out. Maybe it's time for me to get a gym membership again...

39 Weeks: 4 hours before my water broke

It's interesting to look back at what I did right before I went into labor, not having any idea it'll be so soon. My husband and I went out on a little dinner date two nights before to our favorite neighborhood restaurant. People seemed to be especially nice to me that night. Not having been out a lot during my pregnancy, I was enjoying all the attention from strangers, including the free ice cream sundae for two. :) Also knowing we'll be stuck at home for a while once the baby comes, I wanted to go out again the next day, aka the day before baby came. But we opted out because I was feeling exhausted. I said to my husband, "We have another week. Let's go out tomorrow." So wrong. But I'm glad we stayed in because I needed all the rest I could get before that long stretch of work head of me.

I was writing a blog entry that night.  I remember not finishing it because I didn't feel so great. In hindsight, I was in early labor. This is what I wrote:


February 21st, 2013 12:49am
"Most people apparently go into labor between 39 and 41 weeks, and a surprising number of my friends had their babies before their due date. Earlier this week, I had a day of feeling like I was going into labor. Something felt different. Also, I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, which I was sure was going to transition into a real labor. Of course, it hasn't happened just yet.

My sister and her family are coming from California this Saturday to be here for the birth. They'll be here for a couple of weeks to help out with the birth and the aftermath. We're hoping my baby girl will arrive while they're here. My husband and I were there for my niece's birth two years ago, and my niece arrived a few days after we did - perfect timing.

Our parents won't be at the birth, unfortunately or fortunately. I know having a lot of family around during birth is usually great but also could be stressful. Our circumstances aren't so much voluntary, but I'm at peace with how things are going to go. My husband has been really available throughout this whole process, and I trust him completely to be as supportive during labor and delivery. And my sister, already a mother who's been there/done that, will be around to help out with the transition. And her supportive husband will be here with my adorable niece to take care of her. It's going to be two weeks of craziness, but I am really looking forward to it.

In preparation for this baby's birth, I've been doing a lot of research on natural products for my baby, and I tried making my own lip balm, which I could tweak to use as baby diaper balm. I cooked it up tonight, and it was so quick and easy. And working with little pippettes and tubes totally reminded me of my days in the lab. I think I'm going to continue to do this. It's great knowing exactly what goes into what I'll be putting on my baby's skin.

I keep having dreams about breastfeeding. I wake up thinking baby's already out and on my boob. My mind is moving ahead of my body. I gotta get this baby out first. But I'm thinking more about what comes after. I still do read birth stories, which relaxes me. It helps me visualize what I might experience. This might sound weird, and I might totally take this back later, but I'm looking forward to experiencing labor and delivery. I visualize the moment my baby comes out into this world, and I already get choked up thinking about it. This baby is coming at the perfect time. She's going to be so loved. What a blessed child."


Well, I guess I was ready to move on, and I was right. I don't take back what I said about looking forward to experiencing labor and delivery. As intense as it was, I'm so glad and grateful I got to experience it the way I did. And the moment I saw my baby girl for the first time was one of the most emotional moments of my life.

PHOTO at 39 weeks: 
This is the last picture of myself pregnant and in my apartment. It was taken on my way out to go to the hospital!

41 Weeks (and a day): The Aftermath

I'm in a new mom time warp. Two weeks and a day have passed already since my baby girl came out, and I have no clue how. I'm constantly asking what time and what day it is. It's apparently impossible for me to keep track while in the never-ending short cycles of breastfeeding, pumping, burping, and changing diapers. Newborns don't sleep in long stretches, which means I don't either. The first few days back home were really challenging because I was pretty beat up from labor & delivery, and recovering from something like that usually requires a lot of sleep, and I wasn't getting any. But thanks to my husband, who at some point took over the few critical night hours, and my baby who has no trouble going between bottles and breasts, I've had a chance to recuperate. No more sleeping for more than 4 hours at a time, which now is considered a luxury, but I was never expecting anything more. And I'm happy to oblige as a new mom to a beautiful, healthy baby.

BREASTFEEDING/PUMPING:

I've always wanted to exclusively breastfeed. In preparation, I did my readings and went to classes while still pregnant. But I didn't have any expectations in terms of what will happen because I've seen numerous moms struggle through it; I knew it didn't happen easily for everyone. I was mentally prepared to supplement with formula if my body didn't cooperate. Even when the lactation consultant at the hospital checked out my breasts and enthusiastically said the words, "You're made for breastfeeding," I was skeptical because I was still only producing colostrum, and my milk was yet to come in.

Then the day I arrived home, I started experiencing the MIRACLE of a new mom's body. It's so fascinating to me how this transition happens. The engorgement, the pain, the latching, and the bonding - they're all happening. I didn't expect the initial engorgement to hurt so much, but I was happy to feel the pain that screamed 'MILK!' My girl is also latching on really well, and her cheeks have gotten fuller. My baby is growing!

I was introduced to pumping at the hospital when the lactation consultant came by. It helps to regulate milk supply and also helps to have backup for times mommy's away. I hadn't bought a pump for myself yet, and it felt overwhelming to pick one from so many choices. Thank goodness my sister and her husband were here to help with the breastfeeding/pumping transition, getting us the pump they recommend, sterilizing all the bottles, and setting us up and guiding us through the feeding/pumping routine. 

THE BONDING:

Having to feed the baby every 1-3 hours is exhausting as I've been told. There is no real time for rest, and sleep is elusive. But I have been absolutely loving this unavoidable, frequent skin to skin time with my baby. She looks up at me with her amazing newborn eyes, and I can't help but to marvel at her every single time. This is nothing new. Everyone knows about childbirth and breastfeeding, yet experiencing it firsthand feels like it's something I've never known. Watching my own little baby feeding on my breasts just seems crazy. Right after delivery, when my hormones were 'out of control,' I held her and sobbed in pure bliss - I couldn't believe how happy I felt. Going through this initial phase of motherhood has been such an incredible high for me so far. 

THE RECOVERY:

Once I gave birth, my body stopped producing as much heat as when I was pregnant, making me really cold at all times. Our heater is on at about 5 degrees higher in temperature than usual, and I'm always wearing extra layers of clothing, sipping on hot drinks. I actually started crying in my half-asleep state at one point because my husband turned down our bedroom heater, and I felt so cold but had no strength to do anything about it. I was also in pain, and the shivering didn't help. It took us a few days to register that my needs have drastically changed from pregnant and sick to postpartum and recovering. 

At two weeks, my body doesn't hurt as much. Much of the swelling has subsided, and the muscle pain from laboring is gone - no more ibuprofen needed. And I've managed to sneak in a 4 hour nap somewhere - thanks husband! - which I think was vital in feeling revitalized. Fortunately, I haven't felt any signs of postpartum depression. All I feel is enormous gratitude. 

WEIGHT:

I'm about 20 lbs lighter than when I went into labor two weeks ago. My belly is shrinking on a daily basis, which is really fascinating to watch. Losing all the pregnancy weight will probably take some time, but that's just fine with me. I'm too busy being amazed at all the crazy changes this body of mine has gone through to produce another human being and is still going through to nurture my baby girl - all with so little sleep. I feel like a rockstar. :)


PHOTO of my sweet family:

36 Weeks: Last Growth Spurt, Braxton Hicks, and Classes

With only one week left till full term, I feel like we've been running around all over the place, trying to tie loose ends. But the good news is that we feel comfortable with how things are going. The baby car seat's installed and ready for the hospital trip, all the baby clothes are washed and tucked away in the baby room dresser, and lots of last minute baby products are on their way in the mail. I've begun organizing things to take to the hospital, tho I have yet to pack them in a bag. We've also been busy attending various classes and talks, recommended by the midwives. And of course, now that I'm over 35 weeks, my prenatal visits happen every week. The one hour drive to the midwives office serves as a great time for the two of us to talk about everything, which has been not only invaluable but quite enjoyable. Oh, and I snuck in a prenatal massage yesterday, and it was heavenly... :) (thanks, husband!)

GROWTH SPURT:
As soon as I wrote my last entry about feeling great, I began to feel really sick for a few days. I was hot, nauseated, and having a hard time breathing. Apparently, right around now, up to 36 weeks is when most babies go through their last bout of fattening up. There were a few weeks prior to this growth spurt when I didn't gain any weight. Then in the past two weeks or so, I've put on about three pounds. I was concerned because I have Gestational Diabetes, and the biggest concern with GD is having a big baby. But my belly was measured this week, and I'm right where I should be. My blood pressure is fine, my glucose level has been under control, and my baby's heartbeat sounds great. They say the growth tends to slow down after week 36. I guess I'll find out.

BRAXTON HICKS CONTRACTIONS:
We talked about Braxton Hicks a bit at my last appointment. One of the ways to tell is if the belly feels rock hard one minute and then goes back to being normal soon. Looking back, it seems like I've been having these contractions - I've noticed the intermittent, rock hard belly for a little more than a week now. I just thought it was the way my baby was positioned. Some say it's painful, and some describe it as being uncomfortable. It has been neither for me, but I guess it might become stronger as I get closer to the real deal. Either way, I'm glad my body's getting ready!

CLASSES & LEARNING:
We're doing another set of childbirth classes at the midwives office to cover things we didn't at the hospital course. It's an expedited, concentrated, two-day version of what they usually do in several weeks. There's another couple who moved to the midwifery later in the pregnancy, so they scheduled an additional set for us. The first class was already tremendously helpful. After reviewing all the stages of labor, we learned a few soothing techniques, having the husbands practice on the wives in class. The midwifery is also offering breastfeeding classes, which I will attend next week. I'm excited. :)

I got a late start in terms of reading and learning about everything because I was stuck being sick for most of my pregnancy. But I'm grateful I get a start at all.

What I've been doing throughout the pregnancy, however, is talking to a lot of new moms. Naturally, everyone has different opinions on various issues. I didn't really feel too strongly about anything until pretty recently, but it was helpful to hear a bunch of different perspectives before developing my own thoughts.

Knowledge is power, and we're arming ourselves for what's to come. Learning has taken most of the anxiety out of the equation for the both of us, and we feel ready to tackle this impending "storm," as many call it.

Another important reminder I'm getting through this process is to surround myself with supportive and like-minded people. Changing to these midwives is the best decision I made in my pregnancy. As much as I believe in being open to other people's opinions, there's a time and a place for that. When going through something as crucial and specific as giving birth to your first child, I say it's important to eliminate as much negativity/opposition as possible.

PHOTO at 36 weeks:

31 Weeks: GD life, Active Baby, Sleepy Mama

The past week has been all about adjusting to my new GD diet/lifestyle. I had to cancel some plans with friends (it's been impossible to see friends during this pregnancy!!), but the transition has been a lot easier than anticipated, mainly because my husband has taken over the food preparation/cooking after my initial effort - bless his heart. I miss eating fruits in the mornings, but it's not too bad. Getting through Christmas without sweets wasn't bad either. Instead of baking cookies, we roasted chestnuts, which I love anyway. Yum. And the pricking finger part has also become manageable after getting used to the routine, especially after cutting down to four times a day from seven. My blood sugar levels have been in the normal ranges at all times. I'm confident this borderline Gestational Diabetes is in control.

Speaking of control, I was hoping this diagnoses could explain some of the terrible things I've been feeling during my pregnancy. I was also hoping the diet would help me feel better. Unfortunately, they don't seem to be related. I still feel sick on and off with nausea and dizziness.

The good news is that my baby girl seems to be doing fine. She is more active than ever, and they say another growth spurt happens around now. I can feel it, not only in the stretching skin but also in the incredible sleepiness I feel. I want to sleep all the time. But of course, sleeping is not such an easy task with the huge belly, kicking baby, achey body, and breathing difficulty. 

I have nine weeks until my due date, but only six until I'm full term, which means there's a chance this baby will come out in about a month and a half. My husband and I had a moment of panic last night because we have so much to do.

We've only begun looking at cribs, strollers, and whatever else parents-to-be look at before the baby comes. We've been too busy focusing on and dealing with my sickness/condition during the pregnancy that we haven't had a chance to prepare for the actual baby who will be out soon. We're lucky tho to have so many new parents around us to tell us about their experiences. Last night, my husband and I FaceTimed with my sister's family for over an hour, talking about babies and baby products. As parents of a 17-month-old, they shared with us what they know and think, which was immensely helpful for us in making some decisions. 

PHOTO at 31 weeks: 

I can feel my baby's head (or butt) right below my rib cage at times, but I think I'm still carrying her pretty low in my belly. I've begun doing yoga ball exercises to help the baby position herself right for birth. This baby is coming soon...!! 

30 weeks: Gestational Diabetes

GESTATIONAL DIABETES:

Gestational Diabetes is one of the most common health problems during pregnancy. When pregnant, the placenta releases hormones - one of which is called HPL (Human Placental Lactogen) - that have anti-insulin properties. They're basically there to ensure the baby receives enough nutrients. Usually, the mother's body compensates for this specific insulin resistance by working harder at the pancreas, releasing extra insulin. A woman with GD, however, has a hard time accommodating, resulting in an elevated blood glucose level. If prolonged, a lot of dangerous things can happen. But if controlled, it's not a big deal - hence the routine testing. Though someone with GD has a higher chance of developing type II diabetes later in life, the condition usually goes away once the baby - more specifically, the placenta - is out.

RISK FACTORS:

There's a list of things that puts someone at a higher risk for GD: being older than 25, going through a 'high risk pregnancy,' having high blood pressure, being overweight before pregnancy, and having given birth to a large baby before. I am none of the above, except being older than 25. But as always, there are exceptions and anomalies. 

THE TESTS & RESULTS:

My blood glucose level came out slightly elevated after the initial glucose tolerance test (GTT), which routinely happens between 24-28weeks of pregnancy, when the HPL levels become higher and can start affecting the body. GTT consists of consuming within 5 minutes a drink containing 50g of glucose after fasting for 8-14 hours, then drawing blood an hour after. If the number is above 140mg/dl, doctors ask for further testing through the 3 hour glucose tolerance test. The second test consists of drinking a sweeter drink containing 100g of glucose the same way within 5 minutes (it's really sweet and makes some women vomit), then drawing blood for the next 3 hours at every hour. The cut off numbers - they seem to vary a bit depending on your doctor, but these are what my doctor used - are 95 mg/dl (fasting), 180 mg/dl (1hr), 155 mg/dl (2hrs), and 140 mg/dl (3hrs). If two or more numbers are elevated, Gestational Diabetes is diagnosed.

30 WEEKS CHECKUP & MY RESULTS:

My weight is on track, and my blood pressure is 'perfect.' My baby's heartbeat looks great as well. But I failed the 3hr glucose tolerance test by a few points. I'm right at the borderline. For some more 'lenient' doctors, I might have passed. My doctor seems to be on the more cautious side, which isn't a bad thing. She suggested that I go on a restrictive diet and start monitoring my blood sugar level just in case. No more cookies, cakes, and ice cream for me until the baby comes - my doctor kept saying sorry because it's right before the holidays. But the thing is, I wasn't really into them anyway, at least during this pregnancy because they usually make me vomit. 

My doctor doesn't think it has anything to do with what I'm doing. She said it's probably my high hormone levels. She's putting me on a diet to make sure my baby's healthy and my birthing process is as smooth as possible. And keeping blood sugar levels in check never hurt anyone. 

TREATMENT: 

When GD is severe and cannot be treated with diet and exercise alone, insulin injection or other form of medication is needed. But I'm not at that stage; I just need to monitor my glucose level and watch my diet. The biggest change will be that I have to cut down on my fruits and eat a lot more often. Oh, and I'll have to prick myself seven times a day. I was pretty bummed out for a day because I couldn't believe how helpless this pregnancy has made me, starting with Hyperemesis.

But after a good night's sleep, I've come to a completely different place of something closer to... excitement. After reading a bunch of documents from the Doctor's office, I made a meal plan chart for myself and went to Trader Joe's to get the ingredients. I also stopped by the Dr's office to learn how to use the glucose monitor. The needle is tiny and doesn't hurt (that much)! This is a great opportunity to revamp my diet, which has gotten a bit sloppy since Hyperemesis. This heightened awareness is going to only help me and my baby, not to mention my husband. And I've always been curious about my glucose level anyway. So far, things are looking good. I'm not hungry, and my sugar level is absolutely normal. Maybe these changes will help with my nausea and vomiting too. 

PHOTO at 30 weeks:

I feel heavy (my legs cramp up a lot at nights, probably from all the extra weight they have to handle), but I love the roundness of the belly. We saw our baby girl's face on the sonogram yesterday, and her cheeks have gotten chubbier! My husband thinks she looks like me, but I can't tell just yet. We're so excited to meet this baby girl!

28 weeks: 3rd trimester begins in the Bahamas w/ a growth spurt

As I officially enter my 3rd trimester today, I'm in Nassau, Bahamas to attend a film festival. I know that probably sounds only marvelous, but I had actually been dreading it. Jet lagged and sick from the previous trip, I was pretty sure I couldn't handle another travel.

Luckily, I was able to get here somehow - most of it is a blur. Once on the plane, the ride felt a lot shorter than anticipated. I guess a 2.5hr flight feels like nothing compared to a 14hr one. And it's great that I'm in the same time zone.

My husband and I arrived two days ago, and it's only been pleasant so far. Being in a new environment that happens to involve warm temperatures, I've been feeling pretty comfortable. I know the baby is still in my belly, but it feels like we're on our first time vacation as a family of three. It also doesn't hurt that it's beautiful here in Nassau.

As expected, I'm definitely not my original walk-around-all-day-sightseeing self. I get tired easily. And being exhausted for me goes hand in hand with feeling sick that leads to vomiting, so I need to be careful. There are a lot of events I want to attend while I'm here, but I'll have to pace myself. There was a filmmakers' retreat the other day that involved a 40 minute boat ride, which I chose to skip. And there's an opening night party tonight on a yacht... I plan to stop by and reassess, but I'm pretty sure I won't be joining... I don't want to tempt my already on and off nausea.....

I'm starting to understand what women mean when they say they 'feel like a whale,' and it's annoying when I can't put on my wedding ring because my fingers are puffy (it's mostly after I eat some kind of Asian food for dinner the night before). I swear I'm bigger whenever I wake up from sleeping, whether it's overnight or just a short nap. And I'm convinced the little growth spurts make me extra sleepy. Oh, and I get really hot when I sleep - I'm usually the one with layers of clothes on in bed because I get cold easily. I'm experiencing a lot of new things as a pregnant woman.

As uncomfortable as I am, I also recognize how fleeting these moments are. A part of me can't wait until the baby comes out, but most of me wants to savor this experience while it lasts. My every cranky bout ends with some kind of food my husband gets for me, and even the worst of pregnancy sickness eventually tapers off as I'm comforted by my baby's movements. It's such a special time, and I am not going to wish it to go away soon. I'm sure I'll feel differently in 12 weeks, but for now, I want to enjoy the ride. And welcoming my 3rd trimester in the Bahamas with my husband, with whom I plan to take a few extra days off after the festival, seems like the perfect way to celebrate this huge transition into parenthood. I'm always hungry, tired, and/or sick, but all in all, life is good.

PHOTO: 28 weeks pregnant, feeling huge & starting to look it too.

27 weeks: jet lagged, anxious, but happy

JET LAG:

I've been feeling like a zombie since I got back home last week. The 13-hour difference has been brutal. My attempt to adjust to the new time zone by eating at 'right' meal times was not matching up with my sleep schedule, messing me up in pretty much every way. Obviously, being pregnant doesn't help... And I don't know what made me think eating Indian was a good idea, three days into readjusting, especially after not touching it since I got pregnant. I regretted immediately as I spent a good chunk of time and energy in the bathroom, hugging the toilet. It was... a violent night.

EARLY MORNINGS:
The thing about being jet lagged is that I get up really early in the mornings. In the beginning, it was at 2am, but now it's trickled down to almost 6am, which is a pretty normal time to get up for a lot of people. I've always been more of a night owl, but I do really love being up early in the mornings, when things are quiet, and air feels crisp. After waking up at 3am, I was able to put in another couple hours before I was up at 5:30 this morning, thinking about carrot juice. When my husband woke up soon after, we made an early morning trip to the grocery store to get some carrots. The fresh squeezed carrot juice made by my husband with our new juicer was heavenly, except I realize it may be too sugary to gulp down on an empty stomach. Next time, I'm having it with my breakfast. Oh, and I also came back with these: chocolate cravings, anyone?

HIGHS & LOWS:

Being pregnant for me has been such a crazy experience so far, where I feel the worst and the best of all emotions. The worst comes from the bodily discomforts and pain, and the best comes from this amazingly joyful anticipation. The sensation of this baby girl's movements and growth is the most exciting thing I've ever felt in my daily existence but also the reason for my physical misery. It's conflicting sometimes, but they seem to balance each other out in the end. I'm not actually so much cranky as I am groggy. I started sleeping at nights since two nights ago, so maybe I'll be more clearheaded by this weekend. I'd better be because I'm traveling again in less than a week.

ANXIETY DREAMS:

Speaking of sleeping, my anxiety seems to manifest itself in my dreams these days. I'm always fighting some kind of a battle, sometimes as a swords(wo)man, and sometimes as a superhero. In a way, it's great because it always plays out in this grand, cinematic background, and I'm awesome. But of course, I'm also always trying to protect either my baby or my pregnant belly, which is not so fun. I think part of the anxiety comes from the fact that I feel like I've let go of my independence for the time being. Because I've been so sick on and off throughout this pregnancy, my husband has taken over a lot of what I do, which is necessary and great. But what happens when circumstances change, and he no longer does everything for me? Gasp. I have to keep reminding myself that certain symptoms will go away once the baby is out, and I will be back to being myself again. It's just hard to imagine because I've been in this constant state of something different for half a year now.  

PHOTO AT 27 WEEKS: 
I stopped being surprised at the size of my belly. I kind of love how big it's getting. My sister says I'm still 'tiny.' I'm sure I'm not actually 'tiny,' and I also know I'm going to grow a lot more in the next few months. And the bigger I get, I realize my belly looks different, depending on the time of day, as you can see in the photo. This morning, she was sitting really low. It's fun to think about where she is and what she's doing. Sometimes, I imagine she's taking a swim; I feel her little hands and feet poking as she tries to maneuver in the little space she has. And when I rub my Earth Mama Oil over my belly after showers, I feel a weird sense of pride. Despite feeling fat and clumsy at times, I am starting to love my pregnant body.

26 weeks: growing and growing and growing...

My 2nd trimester is coming to an end soon, and it shows. Whatever discomfort I thought I was feeling in terms of the belly growth has doubled in the past week. I'm moisturizing diligently, but the stretching skin is itchy, and I feel sore around my sides.

I'm mostly exhausted, but it could also be that I was on a 14 hour flight two days ago, and I'm very much jet lagged. For the past few days, I've been sleeping and eating at weird hours, feeling groggy all the time. My husband and I spent most of our Thanksgiving day napping on the couch. But we did get to eat our Thanksgiving feast, complete with pies and ice cream. I had leftovers, including dessert, for breakfast this morning at 6:30.

The flight itself was not too bad. I was feeling pretty awful in the morning of the flight, but I was able to get over it with a little vomiting and a short nap - so gross... I can't believe I haven't stopped throwing up. Of course, it's not the same as what it was in the beginning of the pregnancy, when the act wasn't helpful in any capacity and was just another part of the long, torturous, never-ending state of being. At least now, it brings me some relief. It's also no longer a guaranteed daily occurrence.

Now that we're back home, we really need to clear out the place and get ready for the baby. With a growing body that makes me feel like an oaf, cleaning/reorganizing the house feels overwhelming. I've always been a very physical person, moving furniture pieces around like it's nothing when I felt like it for example. But now, everything is different. My husband has been great in taking over everything, but I do get frustrated sometimes that I can't just get up and do the things I used to.

Another thing to consider is taking a birthing class. But I have another travel coming up soon. Sometimes, I wonder why I think I can handle all these plans. I don't think this jet lag is helping. All I want to do is sleep. Maybe it's time for another nap...

PHOTOS: 26 weeks & 1 day, with my pregnancy body pillow in the background - again, a life saver.

24 weeks (& 3 days): baby & me

I had a rough week. Just as I thought I was starting to feel my '2nd trimester bliss,' I began vomiting again at nights. But I think it's because I overextended myself. I was suddenly working longer hours and meeting people in the evenings, staying out all day and coming home late. My legs and feet would puff up more than I've ever experienced before - tho not enough to buy new shoes. I'd fall asleep in that uncomfortable, nauseated state, remembering all the awful things I felt in my earlier months of pregnancy.

Realizing I'm probably doing this to myself, I made it a point to clear my schedule for this weekend to rest, postponing a highly anticipated family dinner. I was determined to sleep in this morning.

My baby had other ideas. At 5:30am, I woke up to a strong kick in my stomach. I didn't mind because I find her movements adorable, and I had to go to the lady's room anyway. When walking back to bed from the bathroom, I felt a hunger pang. But being so exhausted, I thought it'd be better to sleep through it. So I got back in bed and lied down on my left side as recommended, wrapping myself with the cozy pregnancy pillow my sister sent over as soon as she knew I was pregnant (it's a must-have!), then tucking myself in under my mom's soft and fuzzy purple blanket. Warm and comfortable, I was ready for some serious resting, and sweet slumber was falling on me when I felt another kick that abruptly brought me back to reality. And she wouldn't stop. Her kicks were strong and frequent enough to keep me in that half-awake-and-not-quite-asleep state for two hours straight! In my sleepy delirium, I was excited because it was the first time I felt her move so much for such an extended period of time. It felt like she was dancing around in my belly. How cute is that? But by 7:30, I began to feel too famished to stay still. I finally got myself up to grab some food.

In hindsight, I wonder if the baby was 'dancing' because she was hungry. I've read if the mother feels hunger, so does the baby. I've also heard other women talk about their hungry, kicking babies. To further support this theory, my girl's kicks stopped as soon as I scarfed down some bread and milk.

I had a moment of feeling like a terrible mother, but I also felt an overwhelming sense of joy from the idea of communicating with her. The bigger I get, and the stronger she kicks and punches, I feel like we're getting to know each other better. I find myself cradling my belly a lot these days, especially when I sleep. I used to think it's funny when my husband rubs my stomach and talks to our baby, but I've started doing it myself. Sometimes, her pushes feel like responses to what we say to her.

She's such an active little one. I wonder what she's going to be like.

PHOTO: According to babycenter.com, my uterus is about the size of a soccer ball by now.

23 wks & 5 days: HUNGER

THE HUNGER:

For the past couple of days, I noticed I felt really hungry during my late night bathroom runs. The first night, I got myself up and drank some chocolate milk. By the way, the fact that I got myself up to get something in the middle of the night is a HUGE improvement in itself. And the fact that I feel hunger instead of nausea is another great sign. But the hunger is becoming another source to disrupt my sleep. I woke up several times last night, a few to go to the bathroom, and once, famished.

This is a new phenomenon. It's exciting and a bit alarming. As I write this, it's after 11pm where I am, and I just ate what could be a meal after having dinner at 6. 

Also, any kind of junk food used to make me vomit, but some things are beginning to appeal to me again: namely, pastries. Ice cream seems to be still off limits, but cake, pastries, cookies, and bread are becoming a regular craving. Uh oh.

THE KICKS & PUNCHES:

I had my first 'ouch' moment today from the baby's movement. It didn't actually hurt, but I was startled by the force and location of her kick. I just lifted my shirt and observed with my husband to see if the belly actually moves from the outside. And it does! 

I'm sure she's gonna start waking me up in the middle of the night with her kicks and punches pretty soon.

22wks: Travel

The past six days are a blur... But I did it. I got on a plane and flew 7000 miles over. I'm 13 hours ahead from NYC, surrounded by different sights, sounds, and smells.

THE PLANE RIDE:
I was convinced I look pregnant enough for airport workers to be extra nice to me (people said they would!), but I was wrong. I saw a few people do a double take, trying to figure out what's happening with my belly, but that was it. I was strangely conflicted - happy that I'm not huge, yet disappointed that no one noticed.

The ride was unexpectedly pleasant: no breathing problems and no vomiting. I ate all the food they offered, drank all the water and juice they gave me, using the frequent bathroom trips as my opportunity to stretch and move. I noticed I swelled up a bit more than usual; my feet stayed fat for a day or so. But nothing was as painful or uncomfortable as I had feared. I watched four movies, including 'Hysteria,' which was surprisingly delightful.

DIFFERENT ENVIRONMENT:
So far, the newness of everything has proved to be beneficial. It could also be that I'm staying with my parents - it's comfortable. I haven't vomited since I arrived. I've been taking daily walks, which was almost impossible before. The nausea is still on and off, but it's not bad enough to keep me in bed all day. I get tired easily, but that's only expected. I'm still jet lagged.

BABY GIRL:
Her kicks and punches are getting stronger. My favorite time of day these days is when she moves around for an extended period of time. My husband got to feel the movements early this morning. It might have been one of the most relaxed and happiest moments of my pregnancy thus far.

WEIGHT GAIN:
I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I can tell I'm getting heavier by the way my tail bone hurts when I sit. It must be the extra weight on me that my bottom has a hard time handling. I can't sit for a long time, especially when the surface is hard. I can't believe I got through a 14 hour plane ride.

PHOTO: 22 weeks & 2 days

anxiety scare

A lot of things happened yesterday. Two couples I know welcomed their beautiful firstborns, and Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake got married in Italy (why do I know this!). My baby wasn't coming anytime soon, and I already had my wedding years ago. Nonetheless, I had some important plans of my own.

After having stayed up all night trying to 'catch my breath,' I was exhausted in the morning. But I got myself up anyway because I had a long list of things to do. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, I noticed I was still having breathing troubles. At some point, it got worse, tho I don't remember exactly how or when. Perhaps I was hyperventilating because I was lightheaded and dizzy. I had to stop what I was doing.

Slightly panicked and gasping for air, I called for my husband, who was fortunately nearby. After googling and reading some alarming info, we decided to head to the ER, just in case.

Once we arrived at the hospital, they were quick to take me in. A slew of people rushed over, putting a bunch of stickers and tubes all over my body, checking my vitals and talking to each other as urgently as they do when working on a critical patient. I've been to the ER many times in my life, but this was the first time they responded in this manner. It scared the crap out of me. I wanted to tell them I'm actually fine and was there more as a precautionary measure, but I didn't have a chance. Everything happened so quickly. It's like there was a time lapse, and I was suddenly naked in a loosely tied hospital gown with a Oxygen mask over my face.

Then it hit me things could actually be serious - something could go wrong with my baby. In that moment of heightened realization, all senses in my body were lost. I couldn't feel my hands. I closed my eyes and started praying. I don't remember when they took my blood or how they stuck that IV in my arm. What I do remember is the warm sensation of tears flowing down my cheeks, as I desperately tried to remain calm and awake.

Looking back, it was overly dramatic, but also necessarily so. They were afraid the baby wasn't getting enough Oxygen, that it could be a clot or worse. They needed to make sure the baby and I were surviving before anything else. Only after I stabilized, they were able to slow down and put me through a series of tests that eventually cleared me of any critical conditions. They also checked my baby's heartbeat. She's doing fine.

When waiting to be discharged after spending all day at the hospital, I was annoyed at myself for making the decision to go to the ER. I felt embarrassed, like I wasted my day for nothing, scaring a lot of people, including myself. But of course, that's not a very well thought out conclusion. After a good night's sleep, I no longer regret it. I'm glad to have been cleared of any serious conditions. Now I have some peace of mind.

Also, I realize how much this unborn child of mine has taken over my existence. I don't even know her face, and she has already become the most important thing in my life that it boggles my mind. The next four months of pregnancy seem like eternity, but I'm grateful to be carrying her, healthy and growing.

20 weeks (and 1 day): reflection

After two days of feeling optimistic about my progress, I've been having my 'rough days' again for the past few days. A 'rough day' consists of many types of discomfort, including but not limited to indigestion, nausea, vomiting, headaches, shortness of breath, fatigue, and body aches. These recent 'rough days' are fortunately much better than my 1st trimester. And still, I am bound at home, in bed, not being able to do much. But I get to write, which is a big deal. Everything seems very relative these days, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

FIRST TRIMESTER:

There are no words to accurately describe this wonderful (bc there's a baby!) yet utterly terrible experience of that 1st trimester of mine. Honestly, I felt like I was going to die every moment of every day, and nausea and vomiting wasn't the worst of it. I've been sick with stomach flu, food poisoning, been hospitalized for numerous things that included surgeries. I've also spent 8 hours in throbbing pain without any drugs right after an oral surgery to remove two wisdom teeth (it's a funny story...), but this extended period of 'sickness' may be the worst of my experiences thus far. I suspect it's because there was no moment of relief - not even one, and  it was for an extended period of time. For months, I had no room to think or feel anything other than the pure misery that had taken over my whole body. I needed 24/7 constant care of being fed every 1-3 hrs, in bed but not being able to do anything but stare at the wall because anything and everything made me dizzy-watching TV or reading a book wasn't an option. Completely bedridden, with the exception of using the bathroom, I was constantly sobbing, trying to remember that it is only temporary. Saying I had no appetite is an understatement because everything was disgusting. But 'eating and throwing up is better than not eating at all' became my mantra, and I acted accordingly after almost ending up in the ER with dehydration. It was the first time in my life, including all the other times I've been sick, that I hated the sight/smell of food as much as I did during this period. But thanks to my husband who ran around all over the city to find what I could stomach at the given moment, I was able to eat SOMEthing every hour or two, albeit only a bite or two most of the time. My weight stopped declining, and I was able to keep it steady for the rest of the trimester.

I once read some woman's comment on someone's blog about pregnancy, saying something to the effect of 'pregnancy is like a death sentence to some women because it's NOT a pleasant experience.' I remember wondering how bad it could be. Now... I get it. It's a difficult thing to express or talk about because pregnancy is a privilege in so many ways, and the 'sickness' is not 'real,' meaning it is usually not life threatening - tho for some women, it is. Fortunately, it wasn't for me, and I got through the worst of it.

SECOND TRIMESTER:

When week 12 passed, I was anxious to start feeling some relief, which never came. Even at 20 weeks, there is no real sense of 'relief.' The improvement has been a very gradual one, with some ups and violent downs that would put me right back in bed. Still at 20 weeks, the nausea and vomiting have not subsided as much as expected, but my body is at a better place nonetheless, where I can function like a normal human being for hours at a time on a good day. I am definitely not experiencing what they call the '2nd trimester bliss,' but I'm grateful to be where I am. I can eat. I can go out to sometimes. But it's still hard to make any plans in advance because every day is a new, unpredictable challenge.

THE BABY:

We confirmed at the doctor's appointment earlier this week that it's a girl! And she's an active one. She kept moving during the sonogram that it took more than an hour to get that one picture of her profile. Despite all my symptoms, the baby is doing well. Everything is 'on target.' I began to feel her movement about a week or two ago, and the new sensation is a kind of comfort I never expected. I feel privileged to be experiencing this pregnancy, despite all the misery that comes with it.

WEIGHT GAIN:

The belly is expanding quickly. In the past few days, I've been experiencing occasional shortness of breath, especially after eating, and some stretching sensation surrounding my growing belly. I've been eating more with an increased appetite, but I'm also noticing I can't eat a 'normal' meal at once because it gives me an enormous amount of discomfort. I need to go back to eating the way I did, eating little very often. The weight gain isn't stressing me out as much as I thought it might, but I think it's because I'm busy feeling sick so often. My weight gain so far is a bit under average, but it's only expected because I didn't gain any during the 1st trimester, and everyone gains at different rates anyway. My doctor isn't worried, and I'm not either. My goal is to stay below 30lbs total. We'll see how that goes. 

EXERCISE:
I always envisioned myself, going to prenatal yoga and being active, being one of those glowing pregnant women who say, 'I feel great!' Unfortunately, I am nothing close to those women. My effort to be active doesn't go any further than walking around in the city when I feel up to it (it only happened once so far...), and following my husband to the grocery store when I can handle it. I stretch in bed and try to move around as much as I can. But I know I'm not ready yet for a yoga class. I'm still hopeful, however.

TRAVEL:

I've been meaning to travel since summer. I was hoping to feel well enough for it by now, but it's still a questionable plan. My desire to be active coupled with the inability to do so makes for a daily dose of disappointment. However, I've come to terms with it - at least more than before. As long as this baby girls is healthy and happily growing, and I get to feel her movements, I am grateful. I long to see my family, but as my father gently reminded me over the phone the other day, now my priority is my baby...

TODAY:

I woke up with a craving for a nutella crepe, but I opted for a more nutritious breakfast. With my inability to move much, I really have to watch what I eat, not only to keep myself from gaining too much weight but more to keep the baby healthy and growing. I haven't been taking my prenatal vitamins consistently because it makes me sick and/or vomit - I've tried at least five different brands... As much as it worries me that I'm not taking vitamins, I think it keeps me extra alert about my food choices. I do eat my dessert when I want it and think can handle it (it's only happened about 3 times so far), but I also eat all my dark leafy vegetables, lean meats (sometimes not so lean...), fresh and dried fruits, nuts, and eggs. I don't keep track of everything, but I pay attention to protein, iron, and folate. And so far, everything seems to be going well. 

PHOTO: my growing belly at 20 weeks