22wks: Travel

The past six days are a blur... But I did it. I got on a plane and flew 7000 miles over. I'm 13 hours ahead from NYC, surrounded by different sights, sounds, and smells.

THE PLANE RIDE:
I was convinced I look pregnant enough for airport workers to be extra nice to me (people said they would!), but I was wrong. I saw a few people do a double take, trying to figure out what's happening with my belly, but that was it. I was strangely conflicted - happy that I'm not huge, yet disappointed that no one noticed.

The ride was unexpectedly pleasant: no breathing problems and no vomiting. I ate all the food they offered, drank all the water and juice they gave me, using the frequent bathroom trips as my opportunity to stretch and move. I noticed I swelled up a bit more than usual; my feet stayed fat for a day or so. But nothing was as painful or uncomfortable as I had feared. I watched four movies, including 'Hysteria,' which was surprisingly delightful.

DIFFERENT ENVIRONMENT:
So far, the newness of everything has proved to be beneficial. It could also be that I'm staying with my parents - it's comfortable. I haven't vomited since I arrived. I've been taking daily walks, which was almost impossible before. The nausea is still on and off, but it's not bad enough to keep me in bed all day. I get tired easily, but that's only expected. I'm still jet lagged.

BABY GIRL:
Her kicks and punches are getting stronger. My favorite time of day these days is when she moves around for an extended period of time. My husband got to feel the movements early this morning. It might have been one of the most relaxed and happiest moments of my pregnancy thus far.

WEIGHT GAIN:
I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I can tell I'm getting heavier by the way my tail bone hurts when I sit. It must be the extra weight on me that my bottom has a hard time handling. I can't sit for a long time, especially when the surface is hard. I can't believe I got through a 14 hour plane ride.

PHOTO: 22 weeks & 2 days

My constantly changing body

We spent last night with another pregnant couple, 2.5 months ahead of us. This mother-to-be's belly was perfectly round and oh so cute. Why is it that I find everyone else's baby bump so adorable, yet I can't wrap my head around the fact that my expanding waist line is because of a growing baby?

They say the baby has developed everything by now. She's just fattening up and growing bigger, and she's apparently doing this really well! Every morning, my husband says to me with much enthusiasm, 'It's getting so big! Our baby's growing!' It's mostly endearing, but sometimes... Not so much.

CLOTHES:

I have catalogued through all the pregnancy-friendly clothes. I seem to have enough to get through the next four months. Some loosely fitting sweaters I thought I could utilize during pregnancy don't fit the way I expected. I also realize I don't own a lot of empire waisted tops. I must have given all of them away after my brother nonchalantly commented years back, something to the effect of 'that shirt makes you look pregnant.' At the time, it was the most shockingly offensive thing to hear. Now, here I am, trying to look as pregnant as possible. Otherwise, I just look awkwardly thick.

UNDERWEAR:

Am I the only pregnant woman looking for belly support with underwear? No one I know seems to think this way. Low-rise apparently is the way to go. But I like my lower belly covered and warm, especially now with a baby stretching me out every day. I found some candidates on Amazon, but none of them offers my size. Underwear is another unexpected dilemma. I've only heard women talk about changing bra sizes. 

VITAMINS:

After having a moment of feeling like a failure of a mother for not being able to stomach prenatal vitamins, I decided to try the over-the-counter gummy prenatals. It's my second day, and no violent reactions so far! Woohoo!

BREATHING:

The shortness is on and off - still there, but I think I'm getting better at managing it, mentally and physically. 

ACCEPTANCE:

I've been too busy being sick to think about my changing body; and now that it's happening, it's another challenge in itself. I will only get bigger and heavier, and it's definitely not the most comfortable I've been. Nonetheless, I remain hopeful that I will have my share of enjoying this process - I mean, I already am in spurts. Though I am unfortunately still vomiting, and the breathing issue is complicating things, I know my body was designed for this. However miserable at times, I can do this. 

the expansion: 21 weeks & 3 days

It occurred to me today - I've been eating more than before, perhaps adding onto the expansion of my belly that is already happening. It's hard to tell, but I'm way too uncomfortable in my breathing. I must find a way to alleviate. They say it could be anxiety, but I honestly think it's something more elementary, more physical, like too much pressure in my gut. The other day at the ER cleared me of any real dangers, but I'm still regularly gasping for air.

This phase is completely unexpected. I never thought I'd have breathing problems. I don't remember ever hearing about it. I was more worried about the stretching pains, which is not too bad so far. I keep browsing through photos of pregnant women online, trying to see if I'm growing too fast. But at least according to those pictures, I'm not particularly big. In fact, it's still hard to tell that I'm pregnant when I'm wearing all my clothes, especially with a coat. Everything is technically 'on target,' and I'm 'doing beautifully,' as one of the doctors said to me the other day. So what is going on?

In light of this sudden and immensely uncomfortable experience, I am making a note to self to stay away from foods that make me bloat. That's all I can come up with for now. Obviously, I have to stay away from any strenuous activities, which I can't do anyway. I will try to avoid all wheat products and fried foods for the next few days (not even a bite!) and see if it makes a difference. This pregnancy is really kicking my butt!

anxiety scare

A lot of things happened yesterday. Two couples I know welcomed their beautiful firstborns, and Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake got married in Italy (why do I know this!). My baby wasn't coming anytime soon, and I already had my wedding years ago. Nonetheless, I had some important plans of my own.

After having stayed up all night trying to 'catch my breath,' I was exhausted in the morning. But I got myself up anyway because I had a long list of things to do. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, I noticed I was still having breathing troubles. At some point, it got worse, tho I don't remember exactly how or when. Perhaps I was hyperventilating because I was lightheaded and dizzy. I had to stop what I was doing.

Slightly panicked and gasping for air, I called for my husband, who was fortunately nearby. After googling and reading some alarming info, we decided to head to the ER, just in case.

Once we arrived at the hospital, they were quick to take me in. A slew of people rushed over, putting a bunch of stickers and tubes all over my body, checking my vitals and talking to each other as urgently as they do when working on a critical patient. I've been to the ER many times in my life, but this was the first time they responded in this manner. It scared the crap out of me. I wanted to tell them I'm actually fine and was there more as a precautionary measure, but I didn't have a chance. Everything happened so quickly. It's like there was a time lapse, and I was suddenly naked in a loosely tied hospital gown with a Oxygen mask over my face.

Then it hit me things could actually be serious - something could go wrong with my baby. In that moment of heightened realization, all senses in my body were lost. I couldn't feel my hands. I closed my eyes and started praying. I don't remember when they took my blood or how they stuck that IV in my arm. What I do remember is the warm sensation of tears flowing down my cheeks, as I desperately tried to remain calm and awake.

Looking back, it was overly dramatic, but also necessarily so. They were afraid the baby wasn't getting enough Oxygen, that it could be a clot or worse. They needed to make sure the baby and I were surviving before anything else. Only after I stabilized, they were able to slow down and put me through a series of tests that eventually cleared me of any critical conditions. They also checked my baby's heartbeat. She's doing fine.

When waiting to be discharged after spending all day at the hospital, I was annoyed at myself for making the decision to go to the ER. I felt embarrassed, like I wasted my day for nothing, scaring a lot of people, including myself. But of course, that's not a very well thought out conclusion. After a good night's sleep, I no longer regret it. I'm glad to have been cleared of any serious conditions. Now I have some peace of mind.

Also, I realize how much this unborn child of mine has taken over my existence. I don't even know her face, and she has already become the most important thing in my life that it boggles my mind. The next four months of pregnancy seem like eternity, but I'm grateful to be carrying her, healthy and growing.

21 weeks: growth spurt

I was up until 5am this morning, trying to catch my breath. I'm not sure how else to describe it. I've read that growing baby could put pressure on the lungs, making it hard to breathe. That's what I must have been experiencing. I've also read that pregnant women could experience temporary asthma - hope that's not the case... I was exhausted, but I couldn't lie down. I kept sitting up, stretching, standing up, and shifting all over the place, trying to find a position that would allow me to take a satisfying breath. I thought I was going to have a panic attack.

Fortunately, no attack came, and I eventually fell asleep. But I woke up only a few hours later from the kicking baby, who is getting stronger every day. It could also have been the hunger, which I actually enjoy because I usually feel it in the form of nausea. Hunger pangs are so much better.

This past week has been rough, and I wonder if it's because the baby is going through a growth spurt. I weighed myself this morning, and I noticed I have gained 3 lbs in about a week, which hasn't happened before. This baby is definitely growing, and the thought makes me so happy. Last night, I felt a bit crazy because I kept smiling when the baby moved, all the while breathing loudly enough to wake up my husband and tearing because I was in pain.

I'm getting huge, fast. I thought I was going to get away with wearing my regular shirts for a long time, but I'm beginning to need stretchier and longer ones. I've decided if feeling good in this growing body requires wearing the right clothes, it's worth the investment. With that logic, I just ordered some maternity shirts and a coat.

PHOTO: growing belly at 21 weeks - may appear larger in real life.

same difference?

My fear of traveling comes from disrupting this 'delicate balance' I've established in the past few months of eating certain types of food and staying home a lot. But I'm not exactly doing great. So would it make that much of a difference if I changed my environment and risked some additional discomfort in a different location? Or would it really jeopardize the little progress I've made so far?

As most things in my life, it is not so clear. There is no definite answer, and I could only keep weighing things out, carefully assessing my daily condition. I can't help but to wonder why I am this way, when other pregnant women seem to function just fine. Right now is when I'm supposed to be going on my 'babymoon.' I often feel quite isolated in that no one I know seems to share this experience. Sometimes, I feel the underlying doubt in the polite yet skeptical responses I get from friends who have already gone through a pregnancy or two. A friend asked the other day,' what do you think is wrong?' Medically, not much. In my daily reality, however, everything - enough to confound my life.

I asked my husband yesterday if I had always been 'this way,' lying down and moaning, being sick and cranky. He kindly reminded me that I'm one of the most active people he knows, and that I'm just having a difficult pregnancy. I nodded in exhaustion, grateful, vaguely remembering what it means to be that way. I mumbled to myself, 'Oh yeah... I used to get so much done in a day.....' as my head landed back on the pillow, searching and digging for comfort that wouldn't come.

Mostly, I'm grateful for everything: this amazing blessing of a pregnancy, the fact that I can afford to stay home while sick, my husband whose immensely nurturing side has made its big debut, among many other unexpectedly great things that have happened this year. My body is doing something miraculous, and my 'sickness' is temporary - I'm not terminally ill or anything close, which I have closely witnessed in the past year... When put into perspective, I should only be thankful, and nothing else. It goes to show how 'human' I am, being frustrated at this body for not letting me do all the 'normal' things I desperately want/need to be doing.

But....... As long as I am able, I have things to get done and places to go. Maybe they could take me on a gurney... with a bit of sedative...?

daily challenge: brushing teeth

I have always been very serious about my dental hygiene, at least ever since this one really painful office visit as a child. I have flossed daily, along with mouth wash and meticulous brushing. I make my biannual visits, where I get my teeth cleaned by a professional, which I hate by the way. But my efforts have paid off. I haven't gotten any cavities filled in ages, and I've never had a root canal - not yet anyway...

Once I became pregnant and sick, brushing teeth has become one of my biggest fears. Anything going into my mouth would trigger a gag reflex, always leading to a painful series of stomach contractions that leads to... Well. Vomiting. In my case, brushing my teeth would guarantee it. I had only thrown up a handful of times in my entire life before the pregnancy, and only when I was violently sick. The harsh contractions would deplete my body of the energy I didn't have, knocking me out, shaking. 

Fortunately, my body doesn't react as violently anymore at my 21st week, and I have more strength than before, thanks to my ability to eat more these days. But the gag reflex has not stopped. Every night when I walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth, I have to take a deep breath and mentally prepare for what is to come. I often close my eyes and try to concentrate, trying so hard to not let this reaction take over me. I have yet to be successful.

After yet another night of an unsuccessful attempt, I have canceled my upcoming 6 months dental checkup for now. Also, after another rough, sleepless night, I have postponed my travel plans one more time. 

I saw a pregnant woman at the grocery store last night, enjoying a chocolate ice cream cone, savoring each bite. I was envious, wishing I had cravings like that I could handle. But I know I'm not alone. My sister in law also had a rough pregnancy - she said her nausea got 'a little better' at 6 months. I remember freaking out at the number (WHAT? SIX MONTHS? NOOOOO!), but now I'm almost there myself. Maybe in 4 more weeks, I will feel better, and I will be enjoying my own chocolate ice cream cone at the grocery store, making some poor, sick pregnant woman jealous... :)

And by the way, my doctor tells me that 'throwing up once or twice a day is fine.' I'm also not a 'high risk' pregnant woman, nor do I have any threatening issues. I just happen to be one of those unfortunate women feeling sick all the time - probably due to my high hormone levels, coupled with high sensitivity. I have my genes to thank for that. My mother and her mother both were this sick. And my mom had three children, and my grandma, six.... This is only my first time. I can do it. No problem! ...