Tuesday, October 16, 2012

same difference?

My fear of traveling comes from disrupting this 'delicate balance' I've established in the past few months of eating certain types of food and staying home a lot. But I'm not exactly doing great. So would it make that much of a difference if I changed my environment and risked some additional discomfort in a different location? Or would it really jeopardize the little progress I've made so far?

As most things in my life, it is not so clear. There is no definite answer, and I could only keep weighing things out, carefully assessing my daily condition. I can't help but to wonder why I am this way, when other pregnant women seem to function just fine. Right now is when I'm supposed to be going on my 'babymoon.' I often feel quite isolated in that no one I know seems to share this experience. Sometimes, I feel the underlying doubt in the polite yet skeptical responses I get from friends who have already gone through a pregnancy or two. A friend asked the other day,' what do you think is wrong?' Medically, not much. In my daily reality, however, everything - enough to confound my life.

I asked my husband yesterday if I had always been 'this way,' lying down and moaning, being sick and cranky. He kindly reminded me that I'm one of the most active people he knows, and that I'm just having a difficult pregnancy. I nodded in exhaustion, grateful, vaguely remembering what it means to be that way. I mumbled to myself, 'Oh yeah... I used to get so much done in a day.....' as my head landed back on the pillow, searching and digging for comfort that wouldn't come.

Mostly, I'm grateful for everything: this amazing blessing of a pregnancy, the fact that I can afford to stay home while sick, my husband whose immensely nurturing side has made its big debut, among many other unexpectedly great things that have happened this year. My body is doing something miraculous, and my 'sickness' is temporary - I'm not terminally ill or anything close, which I have closely witnessed in the past year... When put into perspective, I should only be thankful, and nothing else. It goes to show how 'human' I am, being frustrated at this body for not letting me do all the 'normal' things I desperately want/need to be doing.

But....... As long as I am able, I have things to get done and places to go. Maybe they could take me on a gurney... with a bit of sedative...?

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